DJChocolate-Lover

Just thought I'd let people know I'm still around and still alive, even if my art is a bit sporadic. 
It's been a tough year but I'm through it and all the assignments have been released into the hands of the markers so now all I can do is wait for the 5 remaining grades to get back and tell me I passed all four papers.

Christmas is coming so there should be more art projects in my future.

What the hell happened to DA?
I mean I understand some of the merits but I don't like it and I don't know how to work it anymore.
I've been on here for like 5 years. Don't pull a facebook on me and radically change everything leaving me lost and confused.
Change things bit by bit so that we transition rather than "by the way everything is different and nothing is where you think it is"

My stupid university hasn't put up the information on the course that I want.
And when I say "I want" I mean I want it so badly that I keep crying at the prospect of having to do the other postgrad teaching. Because that way is in no way or shape a good fit for my style of learning. I will be miserable if I have to do it by distance I hate distance learning because I do not learn.
I want to do the masters and have days in a school and days in uni every week and just learn from all the people I can. I want to feel like I've learnt things that are more than just theory, I want to apply what I learn every week rather than in one of three placements. 
The post grad will suck and give me a generic understanding that won't stick. Because I need that combination of theory and practice, I've always worked better being able to do both.

What I can live with doing with my life is so close to being achievable and yet every time I have wanted something the university has somehow sensed it and proceeded to make it impractical to do.

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck

I want it so badly but they have no information and thus no way to apply.

So I've not been on here lately because I don't actually go much on any sites except tumblr currently. But anyway I've had a bad week and a black cloud is following me and I need advice and my DA is a safe place for that cause not many people I know follow me.
So, the thing is I have this boyfriend who is pretty cool and he's a great guy but we don't really spend much time together (especially since he's been sick for a couple of weeks, and then I was sick and it was an assignment week for both of us). We had our flat warming last night and the boyfriend couldn't make it because he had a thing on and he has assignments due, none of the people I invited could come. So I spent the first part of the party a little overwhelmed because my hearing is restored and there's barely anyone I know. Even my flat mate from when it was just the two of us was out with her new boyfriend and didn't arrive until later (with a group of people I actually knew). I kinda started to feel weird and while I did enjoy myself at points  I also felt miserable and distant. To the extent where I left the party to cry in the dark in my room for a bit. I don't think anyone even noticed I was gone, or at least if they did they didn't seem to care enough to check up on me.

So I'm in this funk and everyone seems so happy and at one point I come back to the party and the flat mate and her boyfriend tell me that my boyfriend sucks at this whole relationship thing and I just wanted to agree with them and also to burst into tears. Cause I'm a mess.
It was a weird night and I kept feeling isolated and it felt like I don't get attention from anyone and I hate it because I'm really independent as a person but I kind of thrive on getting some attention here and there (I suspect it's my artistic side). I feel like such a child but then again I don't think I had many conversations with anyone I was kind of there when people were talking but not highly involved.
At one point we went to the park that neighbors our property and it felt fantastic because I had told a friend I wanted to go on the swings and a whole group of us went but then my black cloud started gathering again. I'm kind of really concerned because no one seemed to notice how off I was, I mean I tend to hide it quite well but we've literally had three weekends of parties and I was different at this third one. I mean the vanishing thing for one.

It basically lead to me crying quietly in my room when everyone was going to sleep because I felt so miserable. And I slipped into this mode of wanting to text my boyfriend to seek comfort but at the same time not text him. Because we only see each once (in class where he didn't even sit with me) or twice a week and we don't really message each other or anything like that. I am always the one who initiates and that bothers me because I don't feel ... loved I suppose. Like you know how it's really great when someone lets you know that your on their mind? He never initiates or messages me just to say hi.
It's a pretty good friendship but I don't know if it's a relationship, you know?

So I guess what I want to know is how does it feel, how do/did you act around your significant other? Cause I never know if I'm creating drama or if my feelings are real.
I just need something to think about until I see him again and make him spend time with me.

Oh my gosh guys, guess what!

I had my mid semester last week for the paper that I'm taking out of interest rather than knowledge, a science/psychology paper so my bullshitting skills don't help. If I didn't pass I would have had to do an essay. (side note, fantastic idea from my lecturer that your worst mark can be dropped off or if you don't have time and are happy with your average so far you can skip the last internal assignment.)

I not only passed but I passed with 70% which is high B- A range and I got top marks on the multiple choice section.

I'm so happy I'm actually crying right now.

SO MANY HAPPY TEARS!